{"id":325871,"date":"2026-06-23T15:53:43","date_gmt":"2026-06-23T19:53:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/?p=325871"},"modified":"2026-06-23T15:53:45","modified_gmt":"2026-06-23T19:53:45","slug":"parent-anger-5-hot-tips","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/parent-anger-5-hot-tips\/","title":{"rendered":"Parent Anger: 5 Hot Tips"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Helen Keller once spoke of the need to \u201clook the world straight in the face.\u201d And God asks that we worship him in truth, delighting \u201cin truth in the inward being . . . in the secret heart\u201d (John 4:24<\/a>, Psalm 51:6<\/a>). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s what I\u2019ve found my anger problem required: The courage to look at things as they are, not as I wish they were. Nor to look at my children, relatives, spouse, friends, or self as the people I wish we were.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My methods of dealing with my anger<\/a>, including my expectations of others, were straight- up sinful, interfering with my relationship with God. There were vertical implications of my horizontal relationships\u2019 brokenness: \u201cSo if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift\u201d (Matthew 5:23-24). God longed for my reconciliation with these little image-bearers of his as part of my worship.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Need some hot tips to cool down? Consider starting here.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

1. Change the scenery.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Help yourself move out of fight\/flight\/freeze by turning on some music and dancing. Getting a glass of water. Going on a walk (may need to grab the stroller!). Going into a dark room to settle your sense of overstimulation. Changing your location\u2014even moving to a different room, or standing if you\u2019ve been sitting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Come prepared.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

I mentioned in my book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids\u2019 Hearts<\/a>, <\/em>that you can post (maybe in a cupboard) a list of infractions alongside their preplanned consequences. I really like the emotional distance this approach creates from reactive parenting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But sometimes it\u2019s valuable to consider whether a child has had an exceptionally hard day, is being bullied at school, or whether we kept them up too late the night before. First Thessalonians 5:14 highlights the need for different responses to weakness: \u201cAdmonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, kids still need to behave when stressed, as we all do. And we can\u2019t fail to train our kids at those times. But we can maintain a view of the whole child, the whole situation, when we parent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n

3. Identify the emotion beneath.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s one of the first questions I ask parents (and my own kids and myself) dealing with anger: What feeling is underneath?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Isolating the primary emotion<\/em> can be key to addressing your triggers and desires and learning to cut off anger at its source. Dr. Carla Naumburg helpfully defines anger triggers as \u201canything that revs up your nervous system and makes your buttons bigger, brighter, more sensitive, and way easier for your kids to push. . . Most folks . . . need to learn how, exactly, to make their buttons as small and dim and pushproof as possible.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anger is known to be a secondary emotion<\/em>. If you picture an iceberg, anger is the part you can see. But beneath the waterline might be the primary emotions like the ones listed below; in studies, for example, women admit to difficulty in differentiating anger from hurt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Consider which of these most frequently undergird your anger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n